My heart is heavy; my eyes red and filled with tears. My soul is conflicted, as is my mind. I am sitting at the airport waiting for my flight, one that I was not planning to make for a long time, and one that I have such mixed emotions over. It was only a week and a half ago that you were taken to the hospital, where you walked in, but never out of. The dizzy spells and blackouts occurring for a few days and you didn’t know why. The first thing we were told is that your medication levels were too high, as you had lost about 40 pounds in the last month after breaking your arm. Then we were told you had a stroke. After more tests, it turned into “stroke-like” symptoms and 3 spots were found on your brain All that from Saturday to Monday. Tuesday was a different story. Tuesday was cancer.
The spots on your brain were in fact cancer, and it was also in your lungs; lungs that 5 weeks ago were clear in your x-rays. I spent all day, well the last few days actually, crying and full of questions. One night we got to speak on the phone but it wasn’t really you; you were speaking non-sense and didn’t know who I was. That was so hard to take. After more tests, the cancer was found in you lungs, brain, liver and spine, and was growing rapidly. How was this happening and why so fast? I immediately booked a flight and have been waiting and waiting to leave, the days feeling like months, and I hear daily updates on how your condition continues to deteriorate, not sure I will make it on time.
You decided you were done fighting and are ready to go. You seem at peace. I don’t know if I could or would if it were me. The times I have had with you seem like fleeting memories of long ago, that have flown by. Life is too short.
You were discharged back home on Saturday with hospice care. A hospital bed was set up in the living room, in place of your favorite chair. Decisions need to be made if you will remain at home or go to a facility. I was told the last few days have been “bad”. You are more agitated and not sleeping. You can’t walk, can’t talk much, and now have to have a catheter placed. I was asked not to call the last 2 days. I have a limited idea of what I will be walking into later tonight. I am so thankful that I will be able to see you and spend a short bit of time with you, but I don’t know how I will react to seeing you this way; frail and weak, confined to a hospital bed, with a broken arm, barely able to move or speak and dependent on others for your care, bravely facing death. Can I really be that strong? Can I handle this? How can I best support my family and you? You have always been the strong one, and now our roles are reversed. I know that I just need the courage to take the first step. No matter what happens next, know that I love you so much and you have been such a blessing in my life and a great role-model. You have loved me, guided me, taught me, laughed with me, cried with me, and were always there. I’m just sorry I haven’t been there as much for you. Please, please, please just hold on until I get there so I can tell you all of this in person. I love you!
**I wrote this letter to my grandfather on 4/14/10 as I waited to board my plane from California to Florida. I arrived that night and he was still alive. I had a few moments where he was lucid and recognized me and I got to tell him everything before he went out of consciousness. He passed away on 4/19/10 peacefully, in his sleep, at home, just as he had wanted.**
Here is a picture of me with my grandparents taken in June 2007
February 8th, 2011 at 12:44 pm
What a thoughtful and touching post, Stacey. Thank you for sharing.
February 8th, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Thank you
February 8th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Stacey, that is a wonderful tribute to your grandfather, it would have made him feel so proud of you. I’m glad to got to see him and spend some time to tell him all the things you were feeling; precious moments to be treasured forever.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
February 8th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Thank you Barb. It was a tough time, and happened so quickly, but I am so grateful for having the chance to see him one last time.
February 8th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
What a sweet letter. Sounds like your grandfather loved you a lot. I’m sorry for your loss.
February 8th, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Thanks Kim. I can’t believe it’s been almost 10 months now.
February 8th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Wow Stacey, that post really touched me and brought tears to my eyes. I felt your pain and unease as you made the journey and I’m so glad that you were able to tell him everything you’ve written, and to be there right ’til the end. I’m just going to dry my eyes now…
February 8th, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Thank you Marcia. I cried when I initially wrote it, and again when I was typing it up.
February 14th, 2011 at 12:55 am
This is such a moving beautiful written post it made me cry 😦
February 14th, 2011 at 7:15 am
Thank you Piglet
February 14th, 2011 at 12:28 pm
What a sad and simultaneously beautiful post. I am grateful I found you today via the facebook postaday blog hop.
February 14th, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Thank you Julie! Glad you stopped by. Its nice to make new blog friends. I look forward to reading your blog.
February 14th, 2011 at 6:41 pm
What a heartbreaking story. It’s so touching to read… I didn’t have a good relationship with my grandfather, so I can appreciate the closeness that you had with him.
February 14th, 2011 at 6:46 pm
😦 hugs to you…
February 15th, 2011 at 1:05 am
this is really a tremendous post, often said, but this is. commenting on such emotions is not normally my style, but i truly wish that we all have someone to write to us, as you did ..
February 15th, 2011 at 7:02 am
Thank you Alan (and all fixed).
February 15th, 2011 at 6:59 am
You have such a way with words. I hope you continue writing as you are so very talented.
February 15th, 2011 at 7:03 am
Thank you Jackie. I hope to keep it up
February 15th, 2011 at 7:04 am
Thank you Jackie. I hope to keep it up.
February 15th, 2011 at 7:31 pm
Stacey, My grandfather was my life when I was young. Unfortunately his time came way too early. I was only 10 years old. I’ve always been envious of people who have their grandparents into their adult life. I can see from your words that you are truly grateful for the time you had with him and I am so happy for you. I know you must miss him like crazy. This is a beautiful tribute.
February 15th, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Thank you. I’m so sorry you didn’t get as much time with your grandfather as you would have liked. I was about 13 I think when he and my grandmother moved to Florida, so I didn’t see them as much as I was used to, but did treasure the time and the phone calls.
February 16th, 2011 at 1:13 am
Hi Stacey,
What a heartfelt story… It brought tears to my eyes reading about the special memories you shared and I’m glad you had a chance to say goodbye. He looks like he was a real fun granddad. Cherish the memories too…. I hope you shared this post with your grandma; it is beautiful! 🙂
Thanks for your contribution to the bloghop! 😉
Elizabeth
February 16th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Thanks Elizabeth. No, I haven’t shown this to my grandma yet. I will keep it in mind. I’m loving the blog hop….meeting some new people and finding some interesting blogs 🙂
March 3rd, 2011 at 7:33 am
Thank you for sharing this letter with us. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you got to see you grandfather before he passed.
Big hugs to you
March 3rd, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Thank you so much. I do cherish that time I had with him.
March 25th, 2011 at 7:15 am
Heartfelt and Inspiring. Sorry for your loss.
LeRoy, Hospice RN, Retired.
March 25th, 2011 at 11:25 am
Thanks you. The hospice workers that were helping him during his last days were so wonderful. I have so much respect for your profession!
April 19th, 2011 at 1:02 am
[…] accepting that he is gone, and wish I still had kept some of the postcards they had sent. Click HERE to read the letter I wrote to him on my way to go see him while he was […]
July 6th, 2011 at 5:49 pm
I lost my Gpa the same way…
Although I was there with him in his final 3/4 to see the Cancer eat him alive…
I do not think either way is easier…
everyday was a struggle, I just think it almost gave a certain peace when I did not have to watch him suffer anymore…
I Love My Gpa & still Miss Him Dearly
April 9th, 2015 at 5:56 am
[…] Today I would like to share a letter I wrote 5 years ago as I was sitting at the airport in NY on my way to see him in FL. The link to the letter is HERE. […]